Official site of Oculogyric Crisis

Oculogyric Crisis

Songs from inside an eye clinic. Funny, heartfelt, and a little too accurate, written by ophthalmologist Marc Jones.

About the band

Oculogyric Crisis is the musical project of Marc Jones, an ophthalmologist who writes songs about the place he knows best: the eye clinic. Every song starts with something real, like the patient who can't decide between "one or two," the drop bottles with the white cap and the purple cap, the doctor who's somehow always down the hall, and the post-op patient who sees 20/20 and still isn't happy.

The songs are funny, but they're also sincere. They're a tribute to the people who keep a clinic running: the techs working up patient after patient, the scribes keeping up with two doctors at once, the front desk on a Monday morning, the opticians, and the patients who trust us with their sight.

The lyrics are written by Marc Jones, and the music is produced with AI-assisted tools. The styles range from doo-wop and blues to tango, sea shanty, and Gilbert-and-Sullivan patter.

Listen

Songs

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Lyrics
Axial length, twenty-three point four one.
Or twenty-three point four four. Let's take it again.
I sit in a dark little room by the copier
With a machine that measures eyes
It shoots a light to the back of the retina
And mostly it tells no lies
But the cataract's white as a wedding cake
And the light won't make it through
So I pull out the immersion A-scan, darlin'
Like my mentor used to do
Next one wore hard lenses for forty years
Rigid gas permeable, round and proud
"Stay out of them three weeks," I told her twice
She came in wearing them. She said it out loud
Then a man with silicone oil in his eye
Sound slows down in the oil, you see
So the A-scan swears his eye is a mile long
And I B-scan till half past three
Oh, the Ks don't match, and the topography
Is fighting with the Pentacam
I've run Barrett, Haigis, Hoffer Q
And Kane, and I don't know who I am
Holladay, SRK/T, EVO and Hill
They all say a different thing
Just give me one honest cornea, Lord
And a quiet afternoon in spring
Then a fella says, "I had LASIK in ninety-nine"
And a lady had RK, sixteen cuts
Her cornea's flatter every afternoon
So I run Barrett True-K and I pray, and such
I wrote twenty-one point five on the sheet in blue
Somebody typed twelve point five
Now it's five o'clock and the OR calls
With a speculum in, and the patient alive
Oh, the Ks don't match, and the topography
Is fighting with the Pentacam
Just give me one honest cornea, Lord
And a quiet afternoon in spring
"Can you recalculate? He's on the table."
Yes, ma'am. Twenty-one point five.
It was always twenty-one point five.
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Lyrics
Hi, Gerald. Forehead forward. Look through the holes.
This'll take two minutes. (It will not take two minutes.)
Gerald sits down with a confident smile
"I've done this before, I've been studying a while"
"One or two?" He squints real slow
"D... E... F..." Gerald. No.
"Better, or worse?" "H... N... R..."
Gerald, I didn't ask how many letters there are
"Two... no, one... wait, what was three?"
There's no three, Gerald. Just you and me.
Better, worse, or the same?
Gerald, it's a very simple game
Not the letters, just tell me true
Better, worse, or the same? Gerald, one or two?
"Can I see one again?" Sure.
"And two?" Sure. "And one?" ...Sure.
Eleven times, I flip it slow
He reads the whole line out. "...Z. I don't know."
"One or two?" "Well... it went dark. I can't see a thing."
Gerald's leaning back like a lawn recliner
Gerald, try putting your head back up to the hole
"...Oh. There it is. It's a miracle." It's a phoropter, Gerald.
Better, worse, or the same?
Gerald, it's a very simple game
Not the letters, just tell me true
Better, worse, or the same? Gerald, one or two?
"It's blurry. It's blurry. Both are blurry."
Gerald, try blinking.
"Whoa. Who turned the lights on?"
You did, Gerald. With your eyelids.
"Which one's the right answer?" There's no right answer.
"So it's a trick." It's not a trick.
"The E in one looks anxious. The E in two's relaxed."
"Yes." Not a number. "Both." Not a number.
"O... Z..." Gerald. Gerald. Gerald.
He asks to take the phoropter home to practice
His wife smiles from the corner: "He reads the menu out loud too."
Thirty minutes later, he leans in close
Whispers like a secret, like it matters most
Better, worse, or the same?
Gerald, it's a very simple game
Not the letters, just tell me true
Better, worse, or the same? Gerald, one or two?
"Honestly? They're the same."
Same. Perfect. That's your old prescription, Gerald.
"Great! So I passed? ...E. F. P."
You passed, Gerald.
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Lyrics
(Ooh-wah, ooh-wah) Bring 'em back
(Bom, bom, bom) Bring 'em back to me
(Sha-la-la) Every pair comes home to the optician
I saw her at the counter, with her glasses in her hand
She said "They just don't feel right," and I tried to understand
I asked her what was wrong, dear, she looked me in the eye
And said "I really couldn't tell you"... and she started to cry (boo-hoo)
Bring 'em back (bring 'em back)
Bring 'em back to me (ooh-wah)
I'll adjust 'em once again, baby, it's no charge, you see
The doctor checked the numbers (shoo-bop)
They're the same as yesterday
But bring 'em back (bring 'em back)
'Cause you'll bring 'em back anyway
He said they're loose behind the ears, I tightened them right up
He came back after lunchtime holding his head like a cup
"Now they're too tight," he told me, "I've got a headache in my brain"
I loosened them a little, and he's coming back again (ooh)
Bring 'em back (bring 'em back)
Bring 'em back to me (ooh-wah)
I'll adjust 'em once again, baby, it's no charge, you see
The doctor checked the numbers (shoo-bop)
They're the same as yesterday
But bring 'em back (bring 'em back)
'Cause you'll bring 'em back anyway
Ma'am... you sat on them.
She said she didn't
There's a butt print... on the lens.
She said they came that way
Ooh-wah... ooh-wah...
"I can see better without 'em," that's what the old man said
While reading the tiny letters with his glasses on his head
"They're blurry when I wear 'em," well, darling, I believe
You've got your reading glasses on to watch the TV, please (oh, please)
Bring 'em back (bring 'em back)
Bring 'em back to me (ooh-wah)
I'll be standing at the counter with my little screwdriver key
They're crooked, they're too heavy (shoo-bop)
Not the color of the sea
But bring 'em back (bring 'em back)
You'll always bring 'em back to me
(Ooh-wah) Day eighty-nine...
(Bom, bom) She wants a refund...
(Sha-la-la) Bring 'em back...
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Lyrics
Keep your eye on the center light...
Keep your eye on the center light...
Patch on one eye, chin in a bowl
Big white dome, it's eating my soul
Hold the clicker, she said, don't stray
I've never been so stressed by a button in my day
Blip on the left. Click.
Blip up high. Click.
Long silence. Click.
That was nothing. I clicked at nothing. I panicked. Click.
Click when you see it, click, click
Little lights blinking, quick, quick
Staring at the middle like a sleepy kid
Did I see it? I think I did
Click when you see it, click, click
Heard a sound in the hallway, clicked for that
Clicked for a sneeze and a dream of my cat
Clicked to the beat of the music in my head
"Only when you see a light," the tech said
My eye wants to wander, sneak a peek around
Hunt the little lights before they're found
"Look at the center," the voice says, sweet
Fixation losses: I'm a total cheat
Click when you see it, click, click
Little lights blinking, quick, quick
Staring at the middle like a sleepy kid
Did I see it? I think I did
Click when you see it, click, click
Was that a light or a floater friend?
Am I asleep? Is this the end?
I dreamed I clicked, so I clicked for real
Honestly, the most relaxed I've felt all year
Click when you see it, click, click
Did I see it? I think I did
Click when you see it, click, click
"Great job! Now the other eye."
...Oh no.
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Lyrics
Ahem.
You there. Squiggly line.
You float across my kingdom like you own the place
A royal little wiggle drifting past my face
I turn to have a proper look, you curtsy and you flee
How dare you run away, my dear, when you belong to me
When I stare, you disappear
When I don't, you're right back here
Oh, come back, come back to me, my squiggly line
Da da da, da-da-da, da da da, da-da
Whenever I look, you're gone, but darling, you're mine
Da da da, da-da-da, da da da, da-da
Are you a circle? A dot? A cloud? A thread?
Who gave you permission to swim around my head?
I'll pretend not to notice, and then you'll be fine
Oh, come back, come back to me, my squiggly line
Some days you bring a little flash, a spark of royal light
Some days you're nowhere to be found, you vanish out of sight
I've summoned all my wisest men, they shrug and say, "Who knows?"
A mystery in my empire... and that is how it goes
When I stare, you disappear
When I don't, you're right back here
Oh, come back, come back to me, my squiggly line
Da da da, da-da-da, da da da, da-da
Whenever I look, you're gone, but darling, you're mine
Da da da, da-da-da, da da da, da-da
Are you a circle? A dot? A cloud? A thread?
Who gave you permission to swim around my head?
I'll pretend not to notice, and then you'll be fine
Oh, come back, come back to me, my squiggly line
What are you? What do you mean?
Are you a message from the great unseen?
Why do you come? And why do you go?
Why, my squiggle, do you vex me so?
...Fine. I shan't look.
(I'm looking.)
Oh, come back, come back to me, my squiggly line
Da da da, da-da-da, da da da, da-da
You run when I chase you, but darling, you're mine
Da da da, da-da-da, da da da, da-da
I forgive you, my squiggle, you're totally fine
Long live the king... and his squiggly line
There you are.
I knew it.
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Lyrics
"This might sting a little."
It stung a lot.
Yo, I walked in sharp, I walked in clean
Tech dropped my eyes, now I'm a vampire machine
She said, "Twenty minutes and they'll open up wide"
I said, "Can I drive?" She said, "Is somebody outside?"
I'm in the waiting room, rubbing my face
Trying to read my phone, it's a blurry disgrace
Every text is a smudge, every email's a ghost
I just liked my boss's post with a thumbs-down, oh no, the most
Dilated! (Dilated!)
Pupils big as dinner plates!
Can I drive after? (No!)
Can I drive after? (No!)
Give me those roll-up shades, I'm a movie star
Somebody else is driving my car!
Doc shines a light like the sun on a spoon
I see purple for an hour, I see blue till noon
"Look up, look down, look at my ear"
I'm looking at your ear, man, I can't see your ear
Now I'm at the grocery store, lights are like a laser show
Squinting at the cereal like it owes me dough
Lady says, "You okay?" I say, "I'm dilated, ma'am"
She backs away slowly from the guy in the paper shades by the ham
Dilated! (Dilated!)
Pupils big as dinner plates!
Can I drive after? (No!)
Can I drive after? (No!)
Give me those roll-up shades, I'm a movie star
Somebody else is driving my car!
Four to six hours, that's what they said
Seven hours later, still a moon in my head
I'm gonna nap in the dark like a bat in a cave
Wake up tomorrow normal, and that's how I'll behave
Dilated! (Dilated!)
Can I drive after? (No!)
Somebody else is driving my car!
See you next year.
Same drops?
Same drops.
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Lyrics
Patient one: one new floater.
Patient two: a curtain. And absolutely no sense of urgency.
Two a.m., I saw a little squiggle, it was gray
I googled "eye floater," and the internet said I'd decay
Seventeen tabs open and a forum from oh-four
I called the answering service, now I'm sobbing on the floor
Is it a tear? Is it a tumor? Is it a sign?
I wrote a will on a napkin and I signed it "goodbye"
Dr. Google says I'm dying! (Whoa-oh!)
There's a cobweb in my eye! (Whoa-oh!)
They dilated me and looked around
And told me I won't die
It's a PVD, it's normal
Half the planet gets one too
But I already told my mom goodbye
So what am I supposed to do?
Then there's the guy in chair three, cool as summer rain
"A curtain's coming down on my left side, but there isn't any pain"
"When'd it start?" "Oh, three weeks back, I figured it would clear"
"I had a fishing trip, so I waited till I got here"
Flashes like a lightning storm, a shadow creeping in
And he's asking if we validate parking with a grin
Hey, you've got a curtain! (Whoa-oh!)
That's a call-us-today thing! (Whoa-oh!)
The retina doc is on the way
Cancel the fishing, cancel everything
Hey, you've got a curtain! (Whoa-oh!)
That's the one you don't sit through
The day the shade comes down
We'll be waiting here for you
Somewhere in the middle there's a reasonable man
Who sees some brand-new floaters, calls us up, and makes a plan
He doesn't write a will, he doesn't wait three weeks to say
He just calls that afternoon... we've never met him, by the way
Dr. Google says I'm dying! (Whoa-oh!)
Hey, you've got a curtain! (Whoa-oh!)
One of you calm down a little
One of you get in the car
New flash, new floater, new shadow
Call us, wherever you are!
Both of them at checkout.
One is planning her funeral. One is planning his fishing trip.
(Whoa-oh!)
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Lyrics
Case number six. He's asked for the same blade three times.
I'm standing by the Mayo stand
My whole life laid out on blue
He reaches out without a word
I already know it's not what he'll use
I hand him the forceps, smooth and clean
He looks at them like a broken heart
He hands them back, he asks for the other kind
They're identical. I play my part
Hand it back to me, doctor
I'll give it to you again
It's the same one, just a little later
That's how all my days begin
Hand it back to me, doctor
I'll pretend that it's brand new
There's a patient under the drape, darling
And he can hear you too
"Is the patient ready?" Not exactly
She's in pre-op eating a granola bar
Someone forgot to tell her NPO
And now we're waiting, here we are
He wants the room a little colder
Then the light a little warmer, please
He wants the lounge music softer
That's me. I'm the lounge music, and I take requests
Hand it back to me, doctor
I'll give it to you again
It's the same one, just a little later
That's how all my days begin
Hand it back to me, doctor
I'll pretend that it's brand new
There's a patient under the drape, darling
And he can hear you too
"Where's my viscoelastic?"
It's in your left hand, sir
"Where's my viscoelastic?"
Still the left hand, sir
I could tell him to look down
But I like my job, and I like my health insurance
Hand it back to me, doctor
I'll give it to you again
There's a patient under the drape, darling
And he can hear you too
Patient: "Is it over?" Surgeon: "It's been over for ten minutes."
I'm just still holding the forceps.
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Lyrics
Surgery day. Nothing to eat since midnight.
All I can think about is pancakes.
Paper hat and a blanket, warm and blue
They drew a little arrow on my eyebrow too
"Which eye are we doing?" asked eleven times
I'm starting to think they doubt my mind
Fifteen minutes, a hum and a light
I saw some colors, like a disco at night
Doc says "All done!" and I say "What?"
"I was promised a nap, and I barely got..."
I can see everything now
Every crumb, every cobweb, wow
My kitchen's not white, it's beige, oh no
I can see everything now, and I've got some complaints to show
Next morning, the patch comes off with a grin
My couch is hideous, how long has it been?
The dog has a gray beard, the walls need paint
The dog has a gray beard, the walls need paint
My husband has wrinkles, he says, "No, I ain't"
Don't rub, don't bend, don't lift, don't swim
Don't have any fun for a week, my friend
Shield taped on at night, I'm a pirate in space
Three kinds of drops on a schedule I can't trace
I can see everything now
Every crumb, every cobweb, wow
My kitchen's not white, it's beige, oh no
I can see everything now, and I've got some complaints to show
Colors are brighter, the sky's so blue
I can read the menu and the fine print too
I told the doc he's my favorite guy
Then asked when he's doing the other eye
I can see everything now
Every crumb, every cobweb, wow
I can see everything now, and I've got some complaints to show
Best day ever. Ten out of ten.
Now please pass the pancakes.
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Lyrics
Okay, little drop. It stings, then it's numb. Then I check your pressure.
Yellow drop, sting drop, numb drop, blink
Fluorescein on his cheek like highlighter ink
Chin on the rest and the blue light's glowing
Tiny little prism and his nerves start going
"Look straight ahead," and he stares at the ceiling
Look at my ear, sir, I know what you're feeling
I lean in close and the lids slam shut
Like a vault at the bank, and I'm locked out, what?
Don't squeeze, don't squeeze
Open nice and wide, please
Don't squeeze, don't squeeze
"I'M NOT SQUEEZING!"
I'm not squeezing (you're squeezing)
I'm not squeezing (you're squeezing)
Eyelids tighter than a pickle jar lid
I'm not squeezing (you're totally squeezing)
Squeeze that hard and it reads like fifty
I hold the lid gently, he reverses the chair
Rolls back to the wall, now he's halfway there
"Is this the puff one?" No sir, it's the blue
"Is it gonna touch me?" A little, it's true
It's light as a feather, you won't feel a thing
He's gripping the armrests like a roller-coaster swing
Two little half-moons line up and kiss
Twenty-one! Wait, he blinked. Okay, try this.
Don't squeeze, don't squeeze
Open nice and wide, please
Don't squeeze, don't squeeze
"I'M NOT SQUEEZING!"
Breathe in... breathe out...
Think of a beach... think of a breeze...
(Not that breeze. That's the puff machine.)
Eyes wide... eyes wide...
Got it. Fourteen. Beautiful.
I'm not squeezing (you're squeezing)
I'm not squeezing (you're squeezing)
Eyelids tighter than a pickle jar lid
I'm not squeezing (you're totally squeezing)
Squeeze that hard and it reads like fifty
"Great. Other eye."
"...I'm not squeezing."
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Lyrics
Scribe's log, nine-oh-two. Dr. Jones has begun explaining lens options.
Scribe's log, nine forty-one. Dr. Jones is still explaining lens options.
Mrs. Abernathy, sweet as pie
Cloudy lens in her right eye
Dr. Jones pulls up his rolling chair
That's the sound of a long, long affair
"There's a standard lens, a toric, a multifocal too"
She nods and smiles, "Which one is blue?"
He draws an eyeball on a paper towel
I type "discussed options" and quietly howl
Just pick one, Dr. Jones
She's lovely, but it's never gonna land
Tell her what you'd do and hold her hand
Just pick one, Dr. Jones
Half the county's in the lobby, Doc
And I've typed this paragraph since nine o'clock
She asks, "Now, what would you tell your mother?"
I lean in. Here it comes. Oh, brother.
"Well, it's really your decision," he says with care
And starts the whole thing over from his chair
Twelve o'clock, his sandwich waits in the fridge
One o'clock, he draws the eye again, it's got a little bridge
Two o'clock, the sandwich gave up and went home
Three o'clock: "So which one's blue?" Oh, Dr. Jones.
Just pick one, Dr. Jones
She's lovely, but it's never gonna land
Tell her what you'd do and hold her hand
Just pick one, Dr. Jones
Half the county's in the lobby, Doc
And I've typed this paragraph since nine o'clock
I came here young, I had dreams
Now I type "risks, benefits, alternatives" in my sleep, it seems
My keyboard's worn a hole right through the R
The waiting room has started a choir
They're pretty good. They've had time to rehearse.
Just pick one, Dr. Jones
Tell her what you'd do and hold her hand
Just pick one, Dr. Jones
And I've typed this paragraph since nine o'clock
Five fifty. She smiles. "I'll think about it."
"Wonderful conversation!" says Dr. Jones.
I type: "Patient will think about it."
Again.
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Lyrics
Look through the holes. Which is clearer? One... or two?
"E... F... P..."
Nine a.m., my first one sits
I swing the phoropter in, it barely fits
"One or two?" She clears her throat
"T... O... Z..." like she's reading a note
No, no, ONE or TWO, ma'am
Not the letters. I know the letters. I put them there.
"Oh! Sorry." Deep breath. Click.
"L... P... E... D..."
Just say one or two
Don't read the letters, I can see them too
Not three, not yes, not "I don't know"
Just one or two, and then we go
One or two, one or two
I'm calm, I'm calm, I'm calm. Are you?
Ten: "It went dark, I can't see anything" (sir, your face is a foot away from the hole)
Eleven, she shuts the wrong eye tight
Noon, "Can I see one again?" Eleven times, I swear
"Which one's the right answer?" Sir, the right one's there
One o'clock: "It's blurry... it's blurry..."
Try blinking, ma'am. "Oh my God. It's clear."
Two o'clock, she says the T looks sad
Three, he memorized the chart, I change it, he's mad
"One or two?" "Yes." "One or two?" "Three."
"One or two?" "...P... E... C..."
Just say one or two
Don't read the letters, I can see them too
Not three, not yes, not "I don't know"
Just one or two, and then we go
One or two, one or two
I'm calm, I'm calm, I'm calm. Are you?
So I roll the phoropter away
Get out the loose lenses, it's a brand-new day
Lens flipper up: "This... or this?"
He leans in close: "F... P... Z..."
Trial lens in, trial lens out
Still reading letters, still in doubt
Finally: "They're the same." Great, we're done.
"Wait. Why am I being charged for this one?"
"Why won't my insurance pay? Can't I use my vision plan?"
No, sir. This is a medical exam.
Just say one or two
Don't read the letters, I can see them too
One or two, one or two
I'm calm, I'm calm, I'm calm. Are you?
Five o'clock, I sit in the chair myself
Doc flips a lens: "One or two?"
"...E. F. P."
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Lyrics
Bonjour. The other scribe called off.
So. Two doctors... and me.
Doctor number one mumbles into his sleeve
"R-T-C, D-F-E," then he turns to leave
"Two-plus N-S, O-U," I catch it in flight
Doctor number two can't turn his computer on right
"What's my password?" Your dog's name and a two
I log him in, I log the first one too
Jeweler's forceps, oui, oui
An OCT, and orange juice, s'il vous plait
She's diabetic, I knew before you did
I'm three steps ahead, but I'm smiling, doctor, don't you worry
Two doctors, one me
And the clinic flows like the Seine, you see
"Which room do I go in next?"
The one with the blinking light, like always
"How do these lights work?" The switch by your hand
"Where's the Pentacam?" It's already on your screen
"Find me a topography?" It's right there, between
Then poof, he's in his office, and nobody knows where
And the waiting room is sighing in every single chair
Jeweler's forceps, oui, oui
An OCT, and orange juice, s'il vous plait
She's diabetic, I knew before you did
I'm three steps ahead, but I'm smiling, doctor, don't you worry
Two doctors, one me
And the clinic flows like the Seine, you see
The administrator, sweet as creme brulee
"Someone tracked in mud, could you clean it today?"
Of course I'll clean it, between each exam
While the doctors keep forging ahead of me again
"Take her to the laser," so I take her arm
She's eighty-two, one mile an hour, all elegance and charm
Ten minutes later he's tapping his shoe
"Why isn't she in the laser room?"
Doctor... you passed us in the hall. We waved at you.
Sign your notes, mon cher, your keys are in your coat
Your lunch is in the fridge, I left you a little note
You don't know how good you've got it, and c'est la vie
Two doctors, one me
And the clinic flows like the Seine, you see
Room six. Left eye.
De rien, Doctor.
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Lyrics
Day one post-op...
Kyrie... she is here again
She came to me at twenty-sixty, she could not pass her driving test
She could not read the street signs, she could not see her grandson's dress
The surgeon worked his magic, ten minutes and a brand new lens
Now she sees twenty-twenty... and the suffering begins
Lament, lament, the post-op lament
Four lines better than she needs, and still she's not content
I see the chart, I see the smile... it never comes, my friend
Twenty-twenty, and the complaining never ends
"Doctor, there's a flash on the left, a shadow on the right
A little ring around the lamps when I am driving late at night"
"It's itchy, and it's scratchy, something's in my eye, I swear"
Madam, there is nothing, I have looked, there's nothing there
Lament, lament, the post-op lament
Four lines better than she needs, and still she's not content
I see the chart, I see the smile... it never comes, my friend
Twenty-twenty, and the complaining never ends
"The light is much too bright now, everything is far too blue"
Madam, those are real colors, that is what the world looks like to you
"But I liked it how it was before, all yellow, soft, and warm"
You liked it through a cataract, like living in a storm
"I looked into the mirror and I saw wrinkles on my face
I never had those wrinkles, take me back to the old place"
Madam, they were always there, the lens just let you see
And she looked at me so sadly, like the wrinkles came from me
She cannot find her drop bottles, the white cap or the tan
She squeezes on her forehead, she squeezes on her hand
"Which drop is four times daily?" It is written on the sheet
"I lost the sheet," she tells me, as she shuffles out her feet
Lament, lament, the post-op lament
She'll be back next week, with a list of what she meant
And the other eye is next month... Lord, give me strength
Twenty-twenty, and the complaining never ends
See you tomorrow, Madam.
Yes... bring the list.
Amen.
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Lyrics
Ay... ay, ay, ay...
At nine o'clock I arrived, ay, so full of hope
With my insurance card and my little envelope
They said, "Siéntese, señor, you're next in line"
That was the morning... and now look at the time
Ay, ay, ay, la espera
Another room, another chair
Ay, ay, ay, mi corazón
I wait here, and then I wait there
"Just a few more minutes," they tell me
Sweet little lies floating in the air
Ay, la espera... it follows me everywhere
In the front room the television weeps
The same smiling doctors, the same facts it keeps
"Did you know...?" Yes, I know, I have seen it all
Forty times the same photos crawl across the wall
And a magazine that promises, señor
The hottest new look of nineteen ninety-four
Ay, ay, ay, la espera
Another room, another chair
Ay, ay, ay, mi corazón
I wait here, and then I wait there
"Just a few more minutes," they tell me
Sweet little lies floating in the air
Ay, la espera... it follows me everywhere
They brought me back, I cried, "¡Gracias a Dios!"
But a small, cold room, only the clock and us two
Then the drops, the drops, my eyes are full moons
To the dilating room — "The doctor sees you soon"
Then another room to wait for the doctor again
Then a test, then the counselor... ¿cuándo? When?
"We had an emergency add-on," she whispers, so sad
"And the machine is down," the saddest news I have had
She gives me a gas card — but I cannot drive!
With these owl eyes I am lucky to be alive
She writes in my chart, "No wait time next time"
Ay, qué bonita mentira, so sweet, so sublime
"Would you like to be rescheduled for another day?"
No, señorita... I have come too far to walk away
Olé... I am still waiting... olé
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Lyrics
Ay...
Day one post-op...
Ay...
She came to me at twenty-sixty, she could not pass her driving test
She could not read the street signs, she could not see her grandson's dress
The surgeon worked his magic, ten minutes and a brand new lens
Now she sees twenty-twenty... and the suffering begins
Ay, ay, ay, the post-op lament
Four lines better than she needs, and still she's not content
I see the chart, I see the smile... it never comes, my friend
Twenty-twenty, and the complaining never ends
"Doctor, there's a flash on the left, a shadow on the right
A little ring around the lamps when I am driving late at night"
"It's itchy, and it's scratchy, something's in my eye, I swear"
Señora, there is nothing, I have looked, there's nothing there
Ay, ay, ay, the post-op lament
Four lines better than she needs, and still she's not content
I see the chart, I see the smile... it never comes, my friend
Twenty-twenty, and the complaining never ends
"The light is much too bright now, everything is far too blue"
Señora, those are real colors, that is what the world looks like to you
"But I liked it how it was before, all yellow, soft, and warm"
You liked it through a cataract, like living in a storm
"I looked into the mirror and I saw wrinkles on my face
I never had those wrinkles, take me back to the old place"
Señora, they were always there, the lens just let you see
And she looked at me so sadly, like the wrinkles came from me
She cannot find her drop bottles, the white cap or the tan
She squeezes on her forehead, she squeezes on her hand
"Which drop is four times daily?" It is written on the sheet
"I lost the sheet," she tells me, as she shuffles out her feet
Ay, ay, ay, the post-op lament
She'll be back next week, with a list of what she meant
And the other eye is next month... Dios, give me strength
Twenty-twenty, and the complaining never ends
See you tomorrow, Señora.
Yes... bring the list.
Ole.
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Lyrics
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
Well, it's Tuesday morning. But it feels like evening.
Welcome to injection day.
Room one, a little numbing gel, a dollop and a smile
Room two, the gel is settling in, she'll sit back for a while
Room three, the iodine goes on, it's cold, it's brown, it stings
Room four, the doctor glides on in and does his gentle thing
The lady in room five is telling me about her yard
Her tomatoes and her neighbor and her nephew's birthday card
"Look up and to the left, dear." "Oh, that's where my garden's at!"
"And speaking of the left side, did I tell you 'bout my cat?"
It's cold, not sharp, just cold, my dear
A little pressure, then we're clear
Look up, look left, and hold real still
One, two, three, and that's the thrill
Come on down to the lidocaine lounge
Where the eyes are numb and the jazz goes round
"Is that a little bubble?" Yes, a little floating friend
Like a tadpole doing laps, it'll fade out in the end
"Will the white part turn red?" Maybe just a spot, no fear
Looks dramatic, but it's harmless, like an uncle once a year
Room six grips both the armrests, says, "Okay, I'm ready, go"
"Ma'am, we finished a minute ago." She says, "Well, how was I to know?"
"I didn't even feel it!" Darling, that's the plan, my friend
Same time next month, sweetheart, we'll dance it all again
It's cold, not sharp, just cold, my dear
A little pressure, then we're clear
Look up, look left, and hold real still
One, two, three, and that's the thrill
Come on down to the lidocaine lounge
Where the eyes are numb and the jazz goes round
They come in nervous, they leave with jokes
Some of the bravest, sweetest folks
Every four weeks, like a standing date
Keeping the vision, keeping it great
Room one is empty.
Room one is full again.
More gel, please.
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Lyrics
Good morning, eye clinic, please hold.
"Same insurance?" "Yep, the same"
Card says a company that changed its name
Three times since, and it's expired too
"But it worked last time!" It did, in 2002
Man walks up and he's proud as can be
"I'm here for my ten o'clock!" Sir, that's next Tuesday
Lady wants her glasses, says they're ordered here
We have never met her, not in any year
It's Monday at the front desk, ring ring ring!
Fourteen lines are blinking and the fax machine sings
Copay, card, and a birthday, please
Monday at the front desk, we're surviving with ease (we're not)
"How long is the wait?" I smile so wide
"Just a little bit" (it's a lie, I'm dead inside)
No-show, no-show, and a walk-in crowd
And the guy on speakerphone, why is he so loud
"Can I just ask the doctor something quick?"
"Can you spell your last name?" "S-M-I-T-H... with a silent Q, it's tricky"
Kid licks the window, grandma takes a nap
Somebody's dog is in a purse on her lap
It's Monday at the front desk, ring ring ring!
Fourteen lines are blinking and the fax machine sings
Copay, card, and a birthday, please
Monday at the front desk, we're surviving with ease (we're not)
Hold music on line four
Same eight notes, a little more
They've been holding since a quarter to nine
I'm proud of them, honestly, that's dedication, that's fine
It's Monday at the front desk, ring ring ring!
Copay, card, and a birthday, please
Monday at the front desk, we're surviving with ease (we're not)
Four fifty-nine, the lobby's clear
Phone rings once. We all disappear.
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Lyrics
There it is again.
No... don't look.
Just... let it come.
I woke this morning, and you were there
A silver thread hung on the air
I turned to greet you, you slipped away
Like a whispered secret that won't stay
Are you shy, little stranger?
Turn my gaze and you fly away
Look away, and you're back again to play
O great squiggly line
Drifting through the corners of my mind
When I chase you, you're gone
When I let go, you come floating on
O great squiggly line
Are you a message, are you a sign?
Tell me what you mean
O great squiggly line
Sometimes a circle, sometimes a thread
Sometimes a cloud that drifts ahead
Sometimes a dot, a tiny star
I never know just what you are
Do you dream? Do you sleep?
Where do you go when you are not with me?
O great squiggly line
Drifting through the corners of my mind
When I chase you, you're gone
When I let go, you come floating on
O great squiggly line
Are you a message, are you a sign?
Tell me what you mean
O great squiggly line
And now and then, a little flash
A spark of lightning, then a splash
Is that you knocking, is that you calling?
The universe winking, the heavens falling?
Perhaps you are the first thought
that ever was.
Perhaps you were here before me,
and you'll be here after.
Perhaps the whole universe
is just one squiggly line...
and we are all just floating in it.
Wow.
I tried to stare you down for hours
I tried with incense, tried with flowers
I closed my mind, I let it be
And there you were... just next to me
What are you? What are you?
Why do you come? Why do you go?
Why do you vex me so?
Why do you vex me so?
O great squiggly line
You were never mine to define
The more I seek, the less I find
O great squiggly line
Teacher, trickster, friend divine
Swimming slowly out of time
I forgive you, you are fine
O great squiggly line
Don't look...
Don't look...
...there you are.
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Lyrics
"Alright, you're all set. See you in a year."
Doc stands up and he's halfway gone
Hand on the doorknob, the exit's on
Then a gentle voice says, "Before you go..."
And everybody in the building just knows
"It's one quick question, it'll take a sec"
Out comes a list that would reach my neck
Folded in quarters, written small
Front and back, with arrows, and a map of the hall
Just one quick question
And then one more, and then one more
Just one quick question
While the doctor's leaning on the door
"Can I wear my contacts in the pool?"
"Is reading in the dark bad, like they said at school?"
"Why does my left eye twitch watching TV?"
"And while you're here, could you look at my knee?"
Doc's still smiling, ball's still in play
Hand still on the knob, he can't get away
The tech in the hallway taps her watch
Room four has started a book club, and they like it a lot
Just one quick question
And then one more, and then one more
Just one quick question
While the doctor's leaning on the door
"My sister has a question, she's on the phone"
"My neighbor wants to know about his floater, Joan"
"Oh, and how do I turn my phone font up?"
Doc, you're an eye surgeon. You're also tech support.
Just one quick question
And then one more, and then one more
Just one quick question
While the doctor's leaning on the door
He finally makes it out to the hall
Patient calls, "Oh! I forgot the most important one of all!"
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Lyrics
Well... I woke up this mornin'
And somebody's glasses was waitin' on my counter
She came in Monday mornin', set her glasses on the tray
Said "These here are crooked, honey, they been crooked every day"
I put 'em on my table, they lay flat as Kansas ground
She said "Well, they FEEL crooked," so I bent 'em back around
I got the optician blues
Every pair comes back to me
Doctor checked the prescription
It's the same as it can be
Same numbers, same lenses
Same frame you picked in May
Lord, I got the optician blues
And they comin' back today
Tuesday came a fella, said "I see better with my old"
His old ones had a scratch so deep you could pan in it for gold
Doctor checked him over, said "Your new Rx is right"
He said "Then why's the floor all curvy?" Sir, give it a week or night
I got the optician blues
Every pair comes back to me
Doctor checked the prescription
It's the same as it can be
Same numbers, same lenses
Same frame you picked in May
Lord, I got the optician blues
And they comin' back today
Wednesday, "They're too loose, they slide right down my nose"
Thursday, same lady, "Now they pinch behind my ear like clothespins on the clothes"
Friday she was back again, said "Nothin' fits me right"
Ma'am, those are your husband's glasses... you been wearin' 'em since Tuesday night
Progressive lady says there ain't no sweet spot in the lens
I said "Ma'am, you got to move your eyes, not your whole head, my friend"
She bobbed just like a chicken, lookin' for a seed
I said "Chin down, eyes down"... she said "That ain't what I need"
Transitions don't get dark inside the car, that's how they're made
The windshield blocks the UV, so they stay a lighter shade
Anti-glare's got glare, he says, he's holdin' 'em to the light
Sir, that's fingerprints and bacon, let me clean 'em, now they're right
I got the optician blues
Every pair comes back to me
Doctor checked the prescription
It's the same as it can be
Same numbers, same lenses
Same frame you picked in May
Lord, I got the optician blues
Day eighty-nine, they want their money back today
Next...
...Is that a dog bite?
Yes, ma'am, that's covered under "Oh no."
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Lyrics
It's 2026. We've got robot vacuums. We've got self-driving cars.
And I am sending a fax.
She's standing at the window with her card held up like a badge
"My insurance covers everything," she says, a little mad
Ma'am, that's your vision plan, but you told the doc your eye was red
So today it's billed as medical, with a deductible ahead
And the refraction, that's the "one or two," that's a separate little fee
Medicare won't cover it, and it ain't up to me
She says, "I didn't ask for that." I say, "You asked for glasses, hon"
"How else did you think we'd figure out if it was two or one?"
Refraction ain't covered (no, no!)
Prior auth's on hold (whoa!)
I got a fax machine from 1993
And a hold song living inside of me
Refraction ain't covered (no, no!)
Deductible's not met
I'm the billing desk, baby, and I ain't broken yet
Doctor wants an injection, so I call to get it cleared
Forty minutes on a flute loop, I'm growing out a beard
"Fax us all the clinicals." I fax 'em, then they say
"We never got the fax." So I fax it twice today
Then a denial comes back, says, "Please see attached for why"
But there's nothing there attached, just a gray page, I could cry
I'm fluent in modifiers, twenty-five and fifty-nine
I'm on hold with three insurers, all at the same time
Refraction ain't covered (no, no!)
Prior auth's on hold (whoa!)
I got a fax machine from 1993
And a hold song living inside of me
Refraction ain't covered (no, no!)
Deductible's not met
I'm the billing desk, baby, and I ain't broken yet
They say there's a cloud where the data flows like wine
But my fax is a dinosaur, and it's still on the line
Beep! Screech! Paper jam!
I'm the last one standing who knows what a cover sheet is, man
"Your call is important to us."
Is it, though?
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Lyrics
"Just a little sting." (It was a big sting.)
Drops went in about a quarter past ten
Now my wife is a painting, impressionist, then
Every lamp's a sunset, every face a blur
Said hi to a coat rack, I think I insulted her
Pupils huge like a cartoon cat
Tech hands me the roll-up shades, look at that
Over my glasses, I'm a secret spy
Bad spy, though. I keep walking into the side
Sunglasses mode, cruising slow and wide
Floating through the parking lot, squinting at the sky
"Can I drive?" they ask, every single time
Baby, no. Let somebody else drive. I'll be fine.
Tried to text my son, it said "jgfhh lol"
He thinks I'm finally cool, I can't tell
Tried to pay for lunch with a drink coaster
Waitress was kind, like a gentle toaster (I can't see, it's fine)
"Four to six hours," the doctor said
"Don't sign contracts, maybe take a nap instead"
So I'm lying on the couch, my world all glow
Watching a TV show I cannot know
Sunglasses mode, cruising slow and wide
Floating through the parking lot, squinting at the sky
"Can I drive?" they ask, every single time
Baby, no. Let somebody else drive. I'll be fine.
The sun's a laser, the moon's a laser too
Headlights look like aliens coming through
I'm the coolest blurry person on the street
Wearing plastic shades and two left feet
Sunglasses mode, cruising slow and wide
"Can I drive?" they ask, every single time
Baby, no. Let somebody else drive. I'll be fine.
By dinnertime the world comes back
Still wearing the shades, though.
They're kind of my whole thing now.
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Lyrics
Three seventeen a.m.
I am a human being.
I have needs. Like sleep.
I hear it in the dark again
That buzzing on the dresser, my only friend
The answering service, calm and sweet
"She says it's urgent." Oh, my aching feet
"My eye feels kinda weird," she said
"Like, describe weird?" "Just weird. Like, eye weird."
"Is it red?" "No." "Is it painful?" "No."
"Can you see?" "Yes." "Then why did you call?" "Just wanted you to know."
I'm only human, I'm on call
I swore an oath to answer all
I'm broken down to the bone
I'm talking eyeballs on the phone
I'm only human, hear me fall
It's the symptom of being on call
Four a.m., "Can I use Visine
On my dog?" Ma'am, that's a vet machine
Five a.m., "When's my appointment, hon?"
The office opens in three hours. I am not someone.
I'm only human, I'm on call
I swore an oath to answer all
I'm broken down to the bone
I'm talking eyeballs on the phone
I'm only human, hear me fall
It's the symptom of being on call
Sometimes I look into the mirror
My own eyes are red and swollen
Should I call someone?
Who do I call?
I call myself. I'm on call.
I tell myself to use warm compresses
And follow up in the morning!
I'm only human, I'm on call
I'm talking eyeballs on the phone
I'm only human, hear me fall
It's the symptom of being on call
Seven a.m. Shift over.
Phone rings.
"Hi, it's me again. It's still weird."
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Lyrics
One drop. Four times a day. In the eye.
How hard can it be?
I hold the little bottle like a rose between my teeth
I tilt my head back slowly, like a dancer, underneath
I aim for the eye, I squeeze with all my soul
The drop lands on my eyebrow, it is rolling down my nose
Tango de las gotas, the dance of the drops
I blink at the moment, every single time it drops
On my cheek, on my chin, on my shirt, on the floor
One tiny bottle, and I need a dozen more
My wife says "Hold still, mi amor, let me try"
She comes at me with passion, I flinch and close my eye
We spin across the kitchen, she pins me to the chair
Now the dog has glaucoma drops all in his hair
Tango de las gotas, the dance of the drops
I blink at the moment, every single time it drops
On my cheek, on my chin, on my shirt, on the floor
One tiny bottle, and I need a dozen more
The pharmacy says, "You are early for refill"
"Insurance says one bottle lasts a month" — what a thrill
A month for a bottle? Señor, it lasts a day
When half of every drop goes dancing away
The doctor says, "Pull down your lid and make a little cup"
"Look up at the ceiling, and don't squeeze it shut"
I look up to heaven, I pull down my lid
And for the first time ever... I did it. I did.
Tango de las gotas, the dance of the drops
One beautiful drop, right in the eye, it stops
Then I sneeze... and it is gone
Ay... one more, mi amor
Same time tomorrow.
Ole.
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Lyrics
Oh, she came to the front desk in a terrible state
(Heave away, where'd they go?)
"I've lost my good glasses, and I'm running late!"
(Heave away, where'd they go?)
She searched in her purse and she searched in her car
She searched every pocket from here to afar
Oh, they're up on her head, me boys, up on her head
She's looking for glasses that sit on her head
We'll point and we'll smile and we'll gently suggest
Ma'am, they're up on your head, now give it a rest
She called up her husband, he drove back from town
(Heave away, where'd they go?)
He tore up the sofa and turned it upside down
(Heave away, where'd they go?)
He checked in the fridge and he checked in the shed
And all the while, they were up on her head
Oh, they're up on her head, me boys, up on her head
She's looking for glasses that sit on her head
We'll point and we'll smile and we'll gently suggest
Ma'am, they're up on your head, now give it a rest
Then she sat for her exam and the tech asked her nice
(Heave away, where'd they go?)
"Did you bring your old glasses?" She said, "Not twice!"
(Heave away, where'd they go?)
"I've lost three pair this year, I've lost them for good"
The tech just looked up, like any tech would
There's a pair on her head and a pair on her nose
And a pair on a chain hanging down to her toes
And a pair in her hand that she's waving about
Saying, "Has anybody seen them? I'm all sold out!"
Oh, they're up on her head, me boys, up on her head
She's looking for glasses that sit on her head
We'll point and we'll smile and we'll gently suggest
Ma'am, they're up on your head, now give it a rest
...Ma'am.
Your keys are up there too.
(Heave away!)
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Lyrics
Behold! A patient with a pair of glasses in a little case!
Oh, joy... let's hear it.
I am the very model of a modern glasses grievance
I've come to share my findings with impeccable convenience
The left side sits a little high, the right side sits a little low
They're fine when I am sitting, but they're crooked when I go
They pinch behind the ear a bit, they slide upon my nose
They leave a little dent right here, and they fog up when I doze
I've worn them for a fortnight and I'm sure that something's wrong
She's sure that something's wrong! She's sure that something's wrong!
We'll check the prescription, we'll measure the frame
We'll call the good doctor, it's always the same!
We'll heat them, we'll bend them, we'll tighten a screw
And back she'll come Tuesday with something brand new!
The reading part's too low for me, the distance part's too high
The middle bit is blurry when I'm looking at the sky
My phone is at a distance that is neither near nor far
And honestly I'd rather see the dashboard of my car
The lenses are too thick, I think, the frames are not the brown
I saw in all the sunshine when I tried them on in town
My husband says they make me look precisely like my mother
Precisely like her mother! Precisely like her mother!
We'll check the prescription, we'll measure the frame
We'll call the good doctor, it's always the same!
We'll heat them, we'll bend them, we'll tighten a screw
And back she'll come Tuesday with something brand new!
I've adjusted every temple in the county and the state
I've cleaned a thousand lenses that were coated with a plate
Of something from a breakfast that I'd rather not discuss
And I've bent this very hinge so much it's practically a truss
The doctor checked it twice and said the numbers were correct
The lab remeasured centers and found nothing to reject
The axis is precisely where the axis ought to be
"Well, maybe, but I still prefer the pair from '93!"
We'll check the prescription, we'll measure the frame
We'll call the good doctor, it's always the same!
We'll heat them, we'll bend them, we'll tighten a screw
And back she'll come Tuesday... "Actually, Wednesday... at two!"
She's the very model of a modern glasses grievance!
Next!
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Lyrics
"So. Walk me through your drops."
I asked him how the drops were going, he smiled and said, "Just great"
Pulled a sandwich bag from his jacket like a rattling paperweight
"It's the white cap in the morning, or the purple, I'm not sure"
"The teal one's for the nighttime, or was that the one before?"
I said, "Show me how you put them in," he tilted back his head
He aimed it like a crop duster and hit his brow instead
Three drops on the cheekbone, one rolling off his chin
He blinked and said, "There. See? I think a little got in."
White cap or the purple cap
Teal one when you take your nap
Just one drop, that's all it takes
But he's squeezing like he's frosting cakes
White cap or the purple cap
Easy, easy now
I asked him when he opened this one, he scratched his head and thought
"My granddaughter's graduation, or that Christmas, I forgot"
The label's worn clear off it, and the tip's a little gray
That bottle's seen two summers, sir, it's meant for thirty days
Then his wife leaned in politely, said, "Well, tell her what you did"
He looked down at his loafers like a guilty little kid
"One night I got confused at bedtime, didn't have my glasses near"
"So the drops for my glaucoma... I put 'em in my ear."
White cap or the purple cap
Teal one when you take your nap
Just one drop, that's all it takes
But he's squeezing like he's frosting cakes
White cap or the purple cap
Easy, easy now
Pressure's twenty-eight today, the doctor sighs
"Let's try a little laser, let's simplify"
One bottle, one drop, one time before bed
"In the eye. Not the ear," the doctor said
White cap or the purple cap
Teal one when you take your nap
Just one drop, that's all it takes
White cap or the purple cap
Easy, easy now
Written on his sandwich bag in Sharpie, big and clear:
"EYE. Not ear."
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Lyrics
(Ooh, optical!)
Welcome back, hon. What can I do for you today?
She came in on a Tuesday, said, "I'm looking for a frame"
Tried on every single pair, then tried 'em all again
Round ones, square ones, tortoiseshell, cat-eye with a little gold
Took a selfie in each one and sent 'em to the group chat to be told
Hour and ten, the frame board's bare, every mirror's got a smudge
She picked the very first pair she tried, and then she wouldn't budge
We measured up her PD, took her segment height just right
She said, "I'll see you Friday," and she floated out of sight (out of sight!)
They feel crooked (they feel crooked)
Set 'em on the counter, baby, look
They're straight as a line (straight as a line)
It's your ears that aren't aligned (ooh)
They feel crooked (they feel crooked)
Bring 'em in, we'll take another look
Thirty-day adjustment, baby
Every day, they feel crooked
Friday she came back in, said, "They pinch me right up here"
Saturday she came back in, said, "They slide right off my ear"
Monday she was back again, "The left side's riding low"
I heated up the temples and I bent 'em nice and slow
Day twenty-nine, she's back again, a look upon her face
"I think I like my old ones," pulls the old ones from her case
Same exact frame, baby, same color, same old shape
She bought the same glasses twice, and the old ones held with tape
They feel crooked (they feel crooked)
Set 'em on the counter, baby, look
They're straight as a line (straight as a line)
It's your ears that aren't aligned (ooh)
They feel crooked (they feel crooked)
Bring 'em in, we'll take another look
Thirty-day adjustment, baby
Every day, they feel crooked
Progressive lenses, "Why's the bottom blurry?"
Honey, point your nose, there's no need to hurry
Chin down for the reading, chin up for the street
And don't take the stairs through the readers, watch your feet
Day thirty-one. (Ooh!)
The bell rings.
"Hi. These feel crooked."
(They feel crooked!)
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Lyrics
Okay team. Has anyone seen him?
Charts are done and the rooms are full
Patients dilated, waiting, dull
Doc said "be right there" a while ago
In doctor time, that means "who knows"
Check the break room, there he is
Telling a story about his kid's quiz
Holding a coffee, cold as stone
"Is this mine?" No, Doc, it's Joan's
Where's the doc? (Where's the doc?)
Where's the doc? (Where's the doc?)
Seven pens in his pocket and not one works, I'll bet
We love you, Doc, so here's the plan
We point, you walk, you're the man!
"Who's next?" It's on the screen
Big red letters, flashing, "SEE ME"
"What are we doing?" Post-op, day one
"Which eye?" The one with the shield on it, hon
"Where's my light?" It's on your head
"Where's my light?" It's on your head
"Where's my glasses?" On your head instead
"Who's the patient?" Mrs. Brown
"I know Mrs. Brown!" (you've never met, sit down)
Where's the doc? (Where's the doc?)
Where's the doc? (Where's the doc?)
Seven pens in his pocket and not one works, I'll bet
We love you, Doc, so here's the plan
We point, you walk, you're the man!
Left at the plant, right at the copier
He's walking toward the exit like a happy explorer
"Wrong way!" "I knew that!" Sure you did
Turn him around like a lost little kid
Where's the doc? (Where's the doc?)
We love you, Doc, so here's the plan
We point, you walk, you're the man!
End of day, he gives a speech:
"Great teamwork, everybody!"
(Yes. Mostly the team part.)
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Lyrics
Hi, I'm your surgical counselor. The doctor said he explained everything?
He did. I have no idea what he said.
He said "cataract," he said "lens"
He said "toric" and "astigmatism," and then
He drew a little picture and he shook my hand
And the door closed, and here I am
Okay, let's start at the very top
Do you want glasses? Do I want to stop?
A standard lens, you'll still need readers, dear
He said "premium." Does that mean it's free? No, it's not free here.
Which eye again? Which eye again?
The right one first, the left one in two weeks, my friend
Is it lasers? Kind of. Is it sharp? A little bit
Which eye again? I'm gonna write it on my hand
I'm calling the surgery center now
Faxing the H and P somehow
Checking the lens is the model and the power, the eye
Twice, three times, the fourth time I'll cry
Can I take my blood thinner? Ask your PCP
Can I eat before? Nothing after midnight, see?
Can I drive myself? No, honey, you can't
Will I see like an eagle? Let's just say an improved plant
Which eye again? Which eye again?
The right one first, the left one in two weeks, my friend
Is it lasers? Kind of. Is it sharp? A little bit
Which eye again? I'm gonna write it on my hand
Here's your drop schedule, it's color-coded
That's a lot of colors. It's four. I'm overloaded
Here's my number, call me any day
I'll call you tonight. I know. That's okay.
So it's the left eye?
Right eye.
Right. The left eye.
I'm putting a sticker on your forehead.
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Lyrics
Player one... ready!
Eight a.m., the schedule's packed
Twenty-six patients stacked to the back
Grab my chart and grab my light
Room one, room two, room three tonight
History, meds, "Do you have allergies?"
"Just to cats and Mondays, please"
Pupils round, they're quick and bright
Cover, uncover, left and right
I'm the workup warrior, level after level
Drops and charts and pressure, I'm a speedy little rebel
Room to room I'm bouncing, power-up of caffeine
Fastest tech you ever seen on the clinic screen!
"Read the smallest line you can"
"E... F... P... is that a fan?"
Pinhole helps, I write it down
Twenty-forty, best in town
"Did you bring your glasses, ma'am?"
"Brought my reading ones, and jam"
Lensometer, I'm on the case
Bifocals stuck in a sandwich bag space
I'm the workup warrior, level after level
Drops and charts and pressure, I'm a speedy little rebel
Room to room I'm bouncing, power-up of caffeine
Fastest tech you ever seen on the clinic screen!
Extra life! (Lunch break!)
Game over? (No way!)
Ten more patients flashing in the queue
High score, high score, that's what I do
I'm the workup warrior, level after level
Drops and charts and pressure, I'm a speedy little rebel
Room to room I'm bouncing, power-up of caffeine
Fastest tech you ever seen on the clinic screen!
Chart is done, the room is ready
Doctor's coming... (any minute...)
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Lyrics
Seven a.m. Here he comes.
He strolls into the O.R. like it gets ready by itself
Never mind we've been here since five, stocking every shelf
We start the little timeout, name and birthday, which eye
He starts telling me about his brand new Tesla... shh, not now, sit down
(Which side am I on?)
The right eye, Doctor, the right one
Come on back around, hon, we've only just begun
He sits down at the microscope, he fiddles and he frowns
"It's blurry, can you tweak it?" So I turn the knob around
One click, then half a click, then "No, the other way"
I turn it right back where it was, and he says...
(Perfect. Hip hooray.)
Yeah. Whatever.
(Forceps! Forceps, please!)
Doctor... look down.
(You mean... the ones in my hand?)
Yeah... those ones.
Yes, Doctor, yes, Doctor, it's already in your hand
Yes, Doctor, yes, Doctor, I'm the only one who understands
He's the best there is with a blade, the sweetest man alive
But without me in this O.R., Doctor wouldn't survive
(Is she on Flomax?)
You just asked me for a ring, Doctor, that's the reason why
(Are we using Viscoat?)
It's open on the tray, you just asked for it, oh my
He frowns at the keratome, "This isn't the right one, dear"
So I turn around and hand him back the very same one here
(Ah! Much better.)
I know, Doctor. I know.
"These gloves feel kind of funny," so I dig the wrapper from the trash
"Doctor, these are the ones you love," and he's happy in a flash
(The music stopped!)
It's between songs, Doctor, it'll come back on, you know
Yes, Doctor, yes, Doctor, it's already in your hand
Yes, Doctor, yes, Doctor, I'm the only one who understands
He's the best there is with a blade, the sweetest man alive
But without me in this O.R., Doctor wouldn't survive
His cell phone rings, "Can someone get that?" He doesn't look around
He peels his gloves, he drops the drape, and leaves it on the ground
He floats off with his notes unsigned, the computer's waiting too
I'll find him later with a pen, like I always, always do
Then he bursts into room two, "Why isn't this patient ready yet?"
She needed a block, her pressure's two hundred, but he hasn't heard it yet
(We're so behind!)
Yes, Doctor. Sign here. And here. And here.
Yes, Doctor, yes, Doctor, it's already in your hand
Yes, Doctor, yes, Doctor, I'm the only one who understands
I'll sweep up all your drapes, I'll chase you with a pen
And tomorrow at seven sharp... we'll do it all again
(Where's the exit?)
Other way, Doctor.
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Lyrics
Breathe in.
Breathe out.
The other scribe called off.
Seven-fifteen, the lights hum low
Two doctors today, and me alone
He mumbles softly into his mask
"R-T-C, D-F-E," he asks
"Two-plus N-S, O-U," he sighs
Then he's gone before I look up from my eyes
I type like water, I type like rain
He says it once and never again
Breathe in... "Jeweler's forceps"
Breathe out... "Get me an OCT"
"Orange juice, she's diabetic!"
"Room four?" "Room nine." "Wait, where's he?"
I am the river, I am the stone
I carry two doctors and I walk alone
A smile on my face while the storm spins round
Zen and the art of scribing, I never come down
"How do I log in?" Your dog's name and a two
"How do these lights work?" The switch right beside you
"Which room do I go in next?" The one with the flag
"Where's the Pentacam?" Down the hall, on the left
"Find me a topography?" It's already in your hand
Then he drifts to his office, I can't find him anywhere
And the patients in the hallway are restless in their chairs
Breathe in... "Jeweler's forceps"
Breathe out... "Get me an OCT"
"Orange juice, she's diabetic!"
"Room four?" "Room nine." "Wait, where's he?"
I am the river, I am the stone
I carry two doctors and I walk alone
A smile on my face while the storm spins round
Zen and the art of scribing, I never come down
The administrator calls my name so sweet
"Someone tracked in mud, could you give the hall a sweep?"
Of course I'll mop it, between eye three and four
While the other doctor's knocking on the door
"Take her to the laser," so I take her arm
She's eighty-two, one mile an hour, all grace and charm
Ten minutes later he's tapping his shoe
"Why isn't she in the laser room?"
Doctor... you passed us. We waved at you.
Breathe in... "Don't forget to sign your notes"
Breathe out... "Your keys are in your coat"
He thinks the day just runs itself
Like charts that file themselves on the shelf
He doesn't know how good he's got it, and that's okay
I'll light the path for him again today
A smile on my face while the storm spins round
Zen and the art of scribing, I never come down
Namaste, Doctor.
Room six. Left eye.
You're welcome.

More songs coming soon. Follow on Spotify to hear them first.

Contact

For booking, press, or just to share your own eye-clinic story, contact Marc Jones.

music@oculogyriccrisis.com